A couple weeks ago my mom asked me “How are you holding up during all of this?”, and my answer was the same that it’s been each time anyone has asked me that… “I’m fine! Hanging in there! Doing the best I can like the rest of us!”
As time has passed since she asked me that, I’ve started to realize that I’m not fine, I’m hardly handing in there, and I don’t feel like I’m doing the best. I’ve heard a lot lately about being authentic and vulnerable. So, today, I am deciding to be authentic. Instead of faking a smile and pretending everything is okay, I’m going to talk about what I’ve really been feeling, doing, and how I’ve been dealing.
The fact of the matter is, things suck right now…and there is a lot going on that I wish I could change, but I can’t. Life is significantly different for me today than it was two months ago. The things that I care about are different, the way I dress is different, topics of conversation are different, work is different, relationships, habits, bills, groceries, holidays, birthdays…just about everything that was normal to us two months ago has completely changed. Trying to stay positive about it doesn’t work all the time. Sometimes spending a few days down in the dumps feels natural to me. Right now, intentionally feeling what I’m feeling is the only thing helping me keep my sanity. Some days I have the most hope and faith in the world, and the next I could be negative and doom and gloom. But actually allowing myself to feel whatever emotion that day brings, is more helpful than pushing it down and trying to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows when in reality that’s not how I feel.
Right now, the things that I can’t get out of my head are the little moments that I’m missing. I miss driving to Royal Oak to spend the weekend with my brother and shop for way too long at IKEA. I miss going to my moms house to take a nap with her and the dog. I miss being able to use my dad as a pillow while watching a movie. I miss hugging my grandpa. I miss grocery shopping.
All of that seem so simple and silly, but at the end of the day, being able to do those things are a gift. Just simply spending time with friends and family is something we GET to do…not that we HAVE to do. We GET to go to work in the morning. We GET to go to the gym. We GET to cook dinner for our families. We GET to spend holidays with people who love us. The one thing that’s become the most natural since this all started was changing “have to” to “get to” in my life.
Being able to return to life as usual seems so far out of reach right now. A family member of mine went to dinner in Indiana a few days ago and while they were telling me about how nice it was to eat at a restaurant in public without a mask on. I could not figure out for the life of me how they felt comfortable doing that. It terrifies me to think about going out without a mask on. It terrifies me to think about going out to the bars again. It terrifies me to think about going into a store to leisurely shop again. It terrifies me to think about going back to work in an office that does “popcorn seating” and share the same space that a coworker did the previous day. Everything about returning to life as usual is terrifying to me right now.
But I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve heard a lot about letting people feel free to feel whatever it is that they’re feeling right now. And instead of preaching that to everyone and not allowing myself the same freedom, I’m working on changing that. It’s easy for me to give everyone I care about a lot of love and be sensitive to their feelings, but for some reason its hard for me to give that same love and care to myself. So if I’m in a bad mood and I don’t want to talk about it, that’s completely fine. If I haven’t replied to messages or group chats in weeks…that’s fine! If you ask to pet my puppy and I tell you no….THAT’S FINE! If I don’t feel comfortable having a 6 feet apart hang with you…THAT. IS. FINE. Everything that we’re dealing with right now revolves around protecting ourselves and maintaining our health and safety. Whether that be mental health or physical health, all of our reasons are completely valid for the choices that we’re making right now to stay safe. And I think instead of being so hard on myself about the way that I’m feeling and my thought process behind my choices, I just need to accept myself and my reactions to the situation at hand. No one could have ever imagined this was how we were going to be spending our year. No one signed up for this. No one wants this. But this is our reality, and the only way out is through.
Instead of dwelling on the things that I can’t do right now or the things that I miss the most, I’m taking emotional inventory. There aren’t many times in life that we have the opportunity to really slow down and spend time with ourselves. When we’re on the other side of this, the way I plan to live my life is going to be much different. I’m going to appreciate every moment I’m able to spend with my family. I’m going to appreciate every hug that I’m able to give and receive. Every birthday I’m able to celebrate with friends. Every Long Lake hangout day. Every single time I’m able to get on a plane and travel. Every time I’m able to go to the grocery. Every time I can take my puppy on a walk and let people pet him. Every time I can go out to lunch with my Grandpa. Every time I can plan a trip with my boyfriend. Every time I can go to breakfast at Mason Jar with my mom. I am going to appreciate every moment and be endlessly grateful for the beautiful life that I have.
Written by Alyson Markos